i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Girls should come with a carfax report
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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