Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My hand turned me down
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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