I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
