dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
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