I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
