she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
