kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
