So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
