First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
