god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
