He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
