Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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