She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
