i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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