This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
