No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
