do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
