woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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