My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
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Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
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You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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