I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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