I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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