Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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