How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
