Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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