i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
