his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
