Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize