Umm I'm too high to move.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
