I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
