I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
