Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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