Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I need to sanitize my soul.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
