If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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