I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
