Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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