I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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