guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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