Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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