I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
what day is it and did you see me today?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
