i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
