At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
