fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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