How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
