Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
