A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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