I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
