Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
