Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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