That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
3 2 1 whiskey
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