Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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