her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
