You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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