she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
PANTIES FOUND
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