I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
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No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
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And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real