i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i dont even know how to be here
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.