i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
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well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
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despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub