Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Randomize
