doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
