She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
