He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
